you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
