Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
