I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
