And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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