sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
