JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just invented taco cereal.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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