At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
