I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
