she was so not down for the gang bang
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
