So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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