So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
