i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
