If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
