everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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