My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
