My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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