But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
