My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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