the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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