Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
