Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
