so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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