also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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