I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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