i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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