There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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