How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
