I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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