You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
