i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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