It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
