Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
