Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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