Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
