I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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