You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
