Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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