So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
tell me about the eggs
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
