Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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