I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
