I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
