I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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