I'm going to jail i love you
...so i touched it.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
