so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
