I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
