so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
