just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
