I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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