I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
