True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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