If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
