there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
