I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
