Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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