I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
