The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
