my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Green mimosas i think yes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
