How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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